Eugene Porter: Professional Pervert
by Sinematic
Summary: Eugene Porter has been caught peeping for the last time! But much to the surprise and shock of the others, he confesses that he's been watching them for a much longer time than they'd ever thought.
1. Chapter 1

**The idea for this story came to me late at night while I was studying for finals but also watching The Walking Dead****—****meaning that I was just watching the Walking Dead****—****and the graphic Rosita and Abraham scene came on. And suddenly I was like, what****'****s the most ridiculous thing Eugene has done to watch someone else have sex? Scaled a building? Fought an alligator? Sold his soul? Maybe! So this ridiculous fic was born. WARNING: there is no conceivable plot to this fic aside from Eugene telling raunchy stories and getting in trouble. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads, follows, favorites, and reviews!**

x.x.x.

"That's it! I can't take this anymore!" Glenn shouted, stomping down the hall in only his underwear, pulling Eugene along by the collar of his shirt.

"What's going on out here?" Rick hissed, poking his head out from the door to his room. Judith's startled cries erupted from behind him. His eyes widened seeing Glenn in his tighty whities; he coughed and looked away uncomfortably.

Glenn was too angry to feel embarrassed. "He was doing it again, Rick."

The leader sighed heavily and rubbed at the space between his eyes. "Eugene, we've talked about this..."

"No more talk!" Glenn cried, dragging Eugene behind him down the stairs.

Rick groaned, not wanting to deal with this issue again. He looked back at his screaming baby, who was being consoled by Carl, and back at the stairs, weighing which option was less obnoxious. After another wave of baby Judith's howls, Rick sighed resentfully.

"Glenn, wait," he called wearily, following him down the stairs.

At this point, many other members of the group came out of their rooms, rubbing their eyes and mumbling irritably.

Sasha cracked her knuckles. "Whoever woke me up, please step forward to receive your reward."

Tyreese nudged her shoulder and said, "Yeah, you _really_ can't afford to miss your beauty sleep."

"Shut up," Sasha snapped. Tyreese chuckled in response.

"What's going on?" Carl asked, confused and sleepy, rocking his crying sister in his arms.

Maggie stepped out of her room, furiously trying to smooth down her hair and straighten her shirt. She was glaring daggers and replied, "Eugene was watching Glenn and I again."

She stomped ahead of them, presumably following her husband, and the others filed behind her excitedly, not wanting to miss any of the drama.

Glenn was shouting outside, Eugene still in his clutches, and Rick was holding his head as if the headache within would explode.

"I am going to hit you so hard, not even the walkers are gonna want to eat you!" Glenn yelled. Eugene looked more or less unconcerned, having gone through this argument several times before and coming out of it relatively unscathed.

"Glenn," Rick said, trying to use his reasoning voice, "Let's just go back inside and talk."

"No Rick!" Glenn cried passionately, "Not this time! He needs to pay!" Maggie nodded furiously, and the crowd followed the exchange with wide eyes.

Rick thought this over. He put his hand on his hip and gave the livid man in underwear a quizzical look. "Why?" he asked.

Glenn sputtered. "We-Well, b-because he's a damn pervert!"

Rick motioned for him to calm down. "Yeah, that's obvious," he said, "But I mean, why is it so important to you that he be punished this time?"

Glenn and Maggie looked at each other with similar wide-eyed expressions. She quickly shook her head 'no'. Glenn licked his lips nervously.

"Well?" Tara prompted, taking a chip from the small bag Abraham had opened for himself and Rosita. The couple had been smiling on the sidelines, glad to not be the ones on display for a change.

"I…uh," Glenn mumbled.

"_Don__'__t,_" Maggie said sternly, crossing her arms.

"Tell us!" Tyreese grinned, snagging a chip from Abraham's bag.

"Yeah, com'on!" Michonne urged, plucking Tyreese's chip from his fingers.

"_Glenn_," Maggie said warningly, desperation obvious on her face. Glenn tightened his grip on Eugene's collar, his face masked with fear. Eugene looked on, stoically waiting for the ordeal to be over.

"Hurry it up people, it's freezing out here!" Sasha jeered. She added quietly, "I mean, Glenn's making that pretty obvious." Carol and Michonne snorted, and several others held back grins. Glenn shifted away from the group, embarrassed but still angry.

"They were trying anal for the first time."

"EUGENE!" Maggie screeched.

"Atta boy, Glenn!" Abraham hooted, unable to hide his amusement. Carl and Noah burst into juvenile laughter. Father Gabriel cringed.

"It…it was supposed to be romantic!" Glenn shouted, defeated.

Rick covered his eyes and hoped that this event wouldn't be Judith's first memory.

"Whatever! He needs to learn his lesson!" Glenn snarled. All the shouting and commotion had drawn a small group of walkers to the suburban house they were staying.

"We got it," Abraham said, passing his chip bag to Tara, who happily tore into it. He and Rosita jogged over to the walkers, flipping their knives out as they ran.

Abraham looked at her, wide-eyed. "Okay, I know for a fact that you ain't got nothing on under that robe. So where were you storing that knife?"

Rosita giggled, driving her blade into the squishy skull of a walker. "I have my ways," she grinned.

Abraham's eyes bulged out of their sockets, but he broke his stare long enough to stab through the eye of one walker, and kick over another. "Woman, what are you saying?"

Rosita rolled her eyes. "Oh Abraham, you really are clueless," she said, opening the slit of her robe enough to show him the weapon holster she had strapped to her thigh. She then turned to tackle another walker to the ground.

"My god you are stunning," Abraham grinned. He stomped on the fallen walker's head, and took out another with his knife before rushing over to Rosita to kiss her passionately.

"Abraham," she breathed, "now?"

Abraham looked from her face back to the house, where Glenn was still nude and shouting. He gazed back down at Rosita. "Maybe not tonight. Eugene's already claimed his victim."

Rosita rolled her eyes. "Glenn's really overreacting," she said, "If only he had been through what we've been through."

Abraham snorted. "Yeah, really. Eugene's retina was almost attached permanently to my knuckles the first time we caught him."

Rosita smiled fondly. "Yeah, that was one serious black eye. Maybe we should go tell them to back off?" The pair turned, hand in hand, and walked back to the house, where Glenn was still raving.

"—you gross, skeezy, pervy, weirdo!" Glenn finished insulting Eugene, breathing heavily.

"Sorry Glenn, but Abraham and I have had it way worse," Rosita said, sauntering over to where they stood, "Eugene has seen us knocking boots about a hundred times, and it's not like we weren't trying to hide it. Closets, storm drains, meat lockers—you name it, we've bumped uglies there and he's found us."

"Well take him back for all I care! We don't want to be his new favorite couple to watch lust and thrust!" Glenn said.

Rosita laughed. "Oh, we're definitely still his favorite couple to watch park the beef bus."

"Not true," Eugene piped up.

Abraham and Rosita looked at him disbelievingly. "Oh really? Who do you watch cave dive more than us?" he asked.

"Can we _please_ stop with the sex euphemisms?" Gabriel begged.

Eugene mulled this over for a second. After some contemplation, he said, "Well, I used to watch the Governor and Andrea bump and hump quite a bit."

Silence fell upon the group.

Rick's eyes narrowed. "What did you say?" he asked. Michonne stood up from her perch on the porch railing, her expression shifting darkly.

Eugene shrugged. "Don't worry Rick, I watched you and Lori slam the ham plenty of times."

Rick straight up punched Eugene in the face. "Don't you _dare _talk about Lori!" he yelled. Daryl jumped to his side to make sure no other punches were thrown.

"How do you even know about Lori?" Carol demanded.

"How could you possibly have been here before she died?" Glenn added.

Eugene struggled to sit up in the dirt, spitting out a small mouthful of blood. He squinted up at the group and smiled.

"Well that's easy," Eugene said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "I'm Eugene Porter: Professional Pervert."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello lovelies! I want to thank my reviewers Anon 1, susanmelanie, whowouldathought, hopelesslydevoted2svu, TimetravelingArchaeologist, Nerd91, and Narnian at Heart, and everyone else who followed, favorited, and read! Someone commented that the character tag was misleading—and I 100% agree! THERE IS NO EUGENE CHARACTER TAG. Like seriously who else is everyone writing about? But anyways, I tagged it as Rick, Daryl, Carol, and Rosita because Rick is always a main and I think everyone needs to hop aboard the Richonne bus, Rosita and Abraham are the closest couple to Eugene so I figured she deserved a shout out as they'll most likely have the most stories, and Daryl and Carol are in there because I ship them hardcore and there's gotta be some nasty encounters between our favorite badass duo. But, if anyone knows how I can fix this tag dilemma, I'd be more than happy to comply.**

**I'm taking serious and ridiculous couple suggestions (even though I already have a list) in case there's something someone would love to read about and I'm the only weirdo willing to do it.**

**I love you all, thanks for reading!**

**(PS a plot has been formed…mwahaha multi chap here we go)**

.x.x.x.

"_What?__" _Rick hissed. Crowded around the pretend scientist, everyone in the group was wearing expressions of anger, confusion, or both.

"What the _hell_ does that mean?" Daryl shouted, taking Eugene roughly by his shirt collar and bringing him to meet his face. Eugene's eyes widened in fear, never having experienced Daryl's furious temper first hand. Carol reached out and touched Daryl's shoulder; the fire left his eyes and the archer relaxed, dropping Eugene back into the dirt with a look of disgust.

"You'd better start talking, Porter," Glenn said, his eyebrows knit into an intense glare. Eugene licked his lips nervously. Individually, Rick, Glenn, and Daryl were deadly and terrifying, but looking up at the three men together was like staring into the eye of a hurricane. Although, Glenn was still only in his briefs, undercutting his menacing expression by a little.

"Look fellas," Eugene stammered, "I—I shouldn't have said anything. Let's just pretend like I never mentioned my other profession."

Tara slapped the fake scientist upside the head. "Do you _really_ think that's an option now?" she screeched. "If your mullet gives you time-traveling psychic powers or something, you have to tell us!"

"No more lies," Abraham agreed, folding his arms over his chest.

"Tell us how you know Andrea," Michonne demanded coldly, carefully pinning his shoulder to the ground with the heel of her boot. Maggie could barely control her temper, crossing her arms tightly and biting down hard on her lip. Carol's stormy gaze narrowed in on the nervous man. Eugene decided that the fury of the women easily matched the fury of the men, yielding a fuckery of terrifying adults that loomed over him.

"And my mom," Carl added bitterly, shifting his baby sister in his arms.

_Good lord, _Eugene thought, _even the kid is a scary sight. _He wriggled in the dirt away from Michonne's loosened hold.

"Okay, alright, no need to get upset, folks. I'll spill my story," he assured, holding his hand out in front of him as a shield. "I just need to know where to start…"

"The beginning," Rick demanded irritably.

Eugene swallowed the lump in his throat. _Sampson give me strength._

"Talk. _Now.__" _Glenn ordered. Eugene sat up on his elbows, quietly thinking about what to say. Sasha opened her mouth to tell him to hurry up, but Eugene found his words just in time.

"Ever since I can remember, watching others copulate was like white on rice to me," he explained. "Now, I'm not particularly proud of my hobby, but it didn't seem to hurt nobody and frankly, I have a hog wild time doin' it." He paused, hoping for some agreement. Everyone glared down at him, to which he timorously coughed into his fist and spoke again. "Anyhoo, eventually I could sense when a sexual encounter was about to happen and—"

Eugene was cut off by outbursts of confusion and disbelief. Rick motioned for the group to quiet down, as nearby walkers began ambling towards the house. "Maybe we should finish this discussion inside," the leader growled. After taking care of the couple undead stragglers, the group filed into the house, Eugene being pushed to the front. He collapsed into the family room with the boarded up fireplace.

"I think we outta call it a night," Eugene said warily, pushing himself up from the carpet. He was met with silent glares, telling him that all was not forgiven, and shrugged. _It was worth a try I s__'__pose._

"What the hell do you mean 'you can _sense_ it'?" Glenn asked. He swatted a stringy spiderweb away from his head.

Eugene swallowed dryly, putting a hand to his throat. "Can I get a sip of somethin'? My sympathetic system is blocking my saliva production and I can't—"

"That's enough, Eugene!" Rick spat, losing his patience, "Tell us right now!"

Abraham cracked his scabby knuckles. "Last time I hit you, you may have survived, but don't think I'll be as easy on you if you keep up with this horse shit."

"Please," Gabriel pleaded to Eugene, "just tell them. End this fighting now."

Eugene could see that he wasn't getting out of this one without explanation. "Okay, here it is." Eugene replied. "I simply became so attuned to the stirrings of a sexual encounter, I could smell the hormones of desire miles away. Once the world ended, sex became a bit easier to pin-point, and I would travel to the source of the hormones with hella adrenaline."

The group around him sat speechless.

"You're crazy," Sasha declared seriously.

"Rick, lemme take care of this nut job out back," Michonne muttered, reaching over her shoulder for her sword.

He pulled her hand back down and gave her a tired look, "That won't be necessary."

"What if he has schizophrenia?" Carol offered, "We don't have the medicine to take care of him."

"I think he's jus' lyin'," Daryl said, his gaze never leaving Eugene.

"Let's…" Tyreese sighed, struggling with what he was about to say, "Let's just hear him out. Give him a chance to explain."

"How?" Rosita challenged, "How can we prove that Eugene is telling the truth and not actually a god damn psychopath?!"

The group collectively mulled this over.

"Eugene," Rick sighed, "What you're saying makes you sound insane. So if you can't prove that what you're saying is true, we're gonna have to kill you—for the _safety_ of our people. Sound fair?"

Eugene nodded. "That will not be a problem, Rick. I can prove it."

Rick sat down on the wool couch, dust from the cushions settling around his thighs. Rubbing the space between his eyes, Rick nodded reluctantly and said, "Go ahead."

"Well alright. Here's a story that only two of you can confirm," Eugene said.

.x.x.x.

"I'll have sex with you," Maggie said, smiling slightly.

Glenn looked dumbfounded. "Really? Why?" he asked.

She chuckled lightly. "You're asking questions?"

"I can't help wondering," he confessed.

"It's not like our options are vast these days," she said simply. She removed her hat and slid her bag off her shoulder. Sidling up to Glenn, she removed his hat as well. Slowly, she leaned in to kiss him, as he was basically too shocked to do anything for himself.

"You're not the only one that's lonely," she whispered. Immediately, she pulled off her shirt and unhooked her bra, letting the articles of clothing slip to the ground.

"Whoa," Glenn muttered, ogling Maggie's chest. After a beat, he pulled off his own, and brought her back to him to kiss again.

_Well, this is a little awkward_, Eugene thought, peeking over a shelf in the convenient store. He cringed when the couple bumped into another shelf, muttering apologies to one another. _Good lord._

The pair bumbled around the shelves for another few minutes kissing and shedding more layers of clothing._ Just take her pants off! _Eugene thought desperately.

Maggie groaned too loudly and excitedly to be sincere as Glenn clumsily groped the outside of her jeans. If Eugene didn't know better, he would've thought that they were both just awkward virgins trying to do their best. Suddenly, he considered that maybe they _were _just awkward virgins—not that he had much right to judge. As quietly as he could, he opened a package of Cracker Jack to enjoy with the show that was promising to be one for the books.

There was more noise, but the couple had fallen out of view. Eugene crept on the balls of his feet to the edge of the isle, hearing heated panting on the other side. "Put it in," he heard Maggie say. _No foreplay? Risky, _he thought, happily popping a handful of Cracker Jack into his mouth.

"It is in!" he heard Glenn reply. Eugene almost spat out his carmel corn, biting down his giggles. "Wait, maybe it isn't," Glenn said abruptly.

"Well figure it out, Walker Bai—" Maggie's complaints cut off into a shrill squeal. "You're in! You're in!"

Eugene couldn't hardly stand to hold down his laughter any longer. She sounded like a spy hacker, whose access codes had finally been cracked. A brief vision of Glenn in _Mission Impossible_ gear typing codes into Maggie's nether regions entered Eugene's mind. An uncontainable crack of laughter echoed through the store for a spilt second before he slapped his hand over his own mouth.

Silence hung in the air.

"What was that?" Maggie whispered.

Eugene's eyes widened. _Shit. _He scrambled from his knees and bolted down the aisle, straight into the arms of an undead fiend. _Doubt shit! _Eugene's heart jumped to his throat as he pushed the snarling walker aside and ran ahead.

"Maggie, it was just a walker," he heard Glenn say. A commotion followed, and Eugene assumed that Glenn had taken care of it. He pushed his way through the back door and collapsed on the ground, abruptly puking up the Cracker Jack he'd just eaten.

.x.x.x.

Ignoring Maggie's giveaway reddened face, Glenn pointed at Eugene and addressed Rick. "The man lied about being a scientist to everyone and had all of us convinced. So he gave a semi-accurate description of our first time. Maybe one of us said something and he overheard it? Or talked in our sleep one of those nights we were holed up together? All I know, Rick, is that he's a liar, and that dumb _story_ was hardly proof."

Eugene rolled his eyes.

"How did you get to Atlanta and back to us overnight?" Rosita asked Eugene skeptically.

He nodded and said, "That's a fair question. In a fully amped up hormonal state a man can perform amazing feats which he could not normally do. My hobby basically turns me into a super-human, which is actually pretty badass."

"What about walkers along the way?" Glenn countered. "You said you'd never even killed one before we left for Washington together! You _had_ to have run into countless walkers on this supposed journey. "

"And why would you come back to us? Not to mention, if supposedly your hormones got you there, _how_ did you get back?" Rosita added, frowning.

"There is no dang way you could have left my side," Abraham said with finality.

Rick stood up. "Enough!" he commanded. He looked over at Eugene and said, "We _need_ more proof."

Eugene rolled his shoulders. "Well that's simple," he said, "a couple from the group needs to sneak off and hide somewhere. Then, they need to engage in coitus. I am confident that I will be able to find them before the action really starts."

Awkward silence filled the room.

"I…I'm going to put Judith back in her bed," Carl said, "She's asleep finally."

"Please," Father Gabriel interjected, "let me. I'll watch her upstairs." Carl looked to his father for approval before handing his sister off to the priest. "If only to escape the sinful ramblings of that lunatic," they heard Gabriel mutter as he retreated up the stairs.

"It's not gonna happen," Rick decided, "I'm not risking anyone's lives or splitting up the group. There's got to be another way."

It was quiet in the room again, the adults all thinking either of ways to prove Eugene's innocence or to kill him without anyone else noticing.

"I can keep telling stories," Eugene said.

"NO." Maggie said sternly. She was still pretty ticked that he'd "guessed" the details of her's and Glenn's first time so well. Either she was a very predictable lover, or Eugene really did have some dumb sex-linked superpower, and neither of those options were acceptable to the farmer's daughter.

A few people in the room exchanged worried glances, Rick included. "Umm," the leader mused, his eyes widened in slight embarrassment of what Eugene might actually know, "What, um…what other ideas are there?"

"This's stupid," Daryl grunted, shifting his stance uncomfortably.

"There's got to be something else," Sasha groaned.

Tyreese grinned, playfully nudging her shoulder, "What? You don't want him spilling all the gory details of you and B—" He let the name drop, the realization of what he was about to say sinking in.

Sasha bowed her head sadly. "Yeah," she said quietly.

"I'm sorry Sasha, I…I wasn't thinking," Tyreese apologized quickly.

"That right there," Rick said, "is why this is a bad idea. There's no need to rehash old wounds like this."

Tara sighed. "What other options do we have?" she asked.

"My offer still stands," Michonne said, reaching for her sword once again.

"Yeah, I'm with her," Carl said, "Let _me_ kill this crazy asshole so we can be done with it."

"Carl! Language!" Rick hissed, narrowing his eyes at his son.

"Whatever," the teen muttered.

"What if," Noah said, thinking hard about his next words, "Eugene goes with the couple he claims he watched into another room and, um…" he coughed uncomfortably, "…describes to them what he says he saw them do. Then the couple can come out and confirm or deny his story for the rest of us. That way, no one has to get embarrassed, and our dead won't have to be mentioned, at least, not in front of everyone."

"I suppose that could work," Rick said warily.

"What about the people who've… done the nasty that aren't out as a couple? _Rick?"_ Michonne emphasized, tapping her foot. Several others looked around nervously, including the leader.

"Who cares?" Carl asked.

"No, no, no," Rick backtracked, exchanging glances with the samurai, "No son, um, we, ah…"

Rick was thankfully spared having to answer as the company heard Gabriel clomping back down the stairs. His knee still hadn't fully healed from the incident at the school, making his steps recognizable. He was slightly taken aback by the sickly nervous looks on the majority of the adults' faces, but he recovered quickly. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I can't find Judith's bag with the baby food."

"What do you mean?" Rick asked, "It wasn't with the pack we keep her baby seat in?"

"No."

"Come to think of it," Tyreese thought aloud, "I don't remember seeing it in the van this afternoon."

Rick's eyes widened in panic. "Are you saying we have nothing to feed her?"

"We could always mash up some of those canned yams," Tara suggested, "No one wants to eat those anyway."

"No… I ate the yams for dinner," Glenn said sheepishly.

"Well what food do we have left?" Rick demanded.

Abraham sat up from his spot on the floor. "I still have some potato chips," he said unhelpfully.

"What happened to the couple cans of fruit cocktail we found?"

"Those got left behind when we ran this morning," Sasha said, "Along with the cereal, the cans of tuna, and that bag of apples Gabriel picked." She scowled and added, "I had to watch them walkers trample all over it."

"So, we ate _all_ the food?" Rick asked disbelievingly.

Glenn looked horrified. "I only had the one can! I thought we had more!"

"We all did," Daryl reassured him. "Tha's what we get for all eating at different times. I'm goin' on a run."

"I'm going with you," Carol said immediately.

They both glanced down at Eugene, who was staring back at them with waggling eyebrows.

"You should wait until morning," Rick advised.

"We'll be careful," Carol reassured him, "Be gone for two hours, tops."

"Do you want some help?" Tyreese offered.

"They probably don't," Eugene said flatly. Daryl immediately snatched a glass candle cup from the fireplace mantel and chucked it at Eugene's head. The fake scientist barely dodged the projectile.

"Shuddup asshole," the archer hissed, "You don't know nothin'." He looked back at Tyreese and nodded. "Yeah man, we could use'sm help."

.x.x.x.

Hours after Daryl, Carol, and Tyreese had taken off down the road in the van, the group still hadn't reached a conclusion about Eugene.

"Arghhh! We're getting nowhere with this!" Tara groaned.

Rosita leaned her head on Abraham's shoulder. "Can we please just pick something and stick with it?" she begged, "Or better yet, go back to sleep?"

"No way!" Glenn said, "We've got to get to the bottom of this."

"I have an idea," Eugene said. Everyone looked towards him expectantly. "How 'bout we just sit here and I keep spilling your secrets until y'all believe me?"

"Fine," Abraham groused, "Honestly, whatever gets me and the lil' lady back to bed fastest is fine by me."

Rick sighed deeply. "I don't even care anymore."

The adults had all tiredly sunk to the furniture or the floor at one point or another during the dispute.

"I hate you, Eugene," Maggie said decidedly. "I hate you for being a pervert and for giving us a confusing and dangerous situation that none of us know how to resolve."

"And for telling everyone about your first time with Glenn," Eugene said.

Maggie shook her head and sighed defeatedly.

"So what story should I tell next?" Eugene asked tiredly. "The time I scaled up three stories to see a quick make-out session? The time I had to outrun an angry bull to watch some kinky bondage stuff out in an apple orchard? Or the time I hid under a lily pad for almost two hours in a cold pond to watch a passionate break-up romp? Your choice, people."

The whole group stared at him. Some were disgusted, some were very intrigued, but only one had eyes wide as saucers.

"Does anyone even recognize those scenarios?" Sasha asked, puzzled. The one person in the circle who looked guilty and not confused was none other than the fearless leader—Rick Grimes.

"Rick?" Michonne asked, amused, "You got something to say?"

Rick coughed into his fist. "The last one," he said reluctantly, "That sounds like the last time I was… well… It doesn't matter."

"I would hate to disagree with you, Rick," Eugene said, "but as my life hangs in the outcome of this talk, I would say that it does matter."

The leader scowled. "Fine. But we go in the kitchen. I don't want anyone hearing what you might say."

"Grape jelly," Eugene said abruptly. Rick tore from his seat and grabbed Eugene's upper arm, pinching it until the blood flow was definitely stopped. Rick's face was mere centimeters from Eugene's.

"_Kitchen. _Don't _test_ me, Eugene," Rick said darkly. He released his hold on the man and walked across the room, stepping over the others' legs and feet, until he was standing in the doorway. "Coming?" he asked. As Rick turned to enter the room, two rotting hands shot out from the darkness and clutched his shirt, forcefully pulling the leader to the ground.


End file.
